Kid#2 was egregiously bad at the before-school program today. So bad that he's now on a one-day suspension. He's been bad before, and got a warning - this was the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel. Then, while talking with the principal about it, I learn that actually this behaviour has been going on for a while - only we didn't know about it.
The caregiver at the before-school program was apologetic - she knows that we're working hard with him on his tantrums, and she feels bad that she has to suspend him. I say that's not the problem - it's not her fault, and it's a logical consequence and I hope it will help him to learn. Furthermore, Kid#2 will be paying us for missing that day of before-school programming. Out of his own money.
There are so many things about this scenario that bug me I can't get into it - but I know that everyone will wonder where the parents went wrong. Because, you know, if a young kid acts out, then clearly the parents have messed up.
He doesn't watch TV - or violent movies - or play video games.
We make him do his homework and piano practice.
He is not allowed to beat up his brother, not even in jest.
When he has a tantrum at home, we help him work through it.
When he gets frustrated, we help him name it and label emotions and think about solutions.
We make him write apology notes when he messes up.
I mean, honestly, we work so hard...
Is there room for improvement? Sure there is. And that's why we've asked the school to bring in the counsellors and support staff and assessments - because we're out of ideas. We've tried positive incentives, we've tried logic and rationale, we've tried punishments, we've tried role-playing... The only thing we haven't really tried is corporal punishment - I draw the line there.
I will never never never blame the parents for the way their child acts. Because sometimes, the child just makes the wrong choices. And it has nothing to do with the parents.
1 comment:
I think this is really true. It amazes me how different my children can be - in their personalities, values, and reactions to things - when they are being raised in the same house by the same parents.
Once when I was younger I asked my aunt how she managed to have such great kids, she said she was just lucky. At the time I was aghast, I figured she must have some parenting secret to share, but now I realize it isn't true. You do your best, you follow all the rules, but there's still a mystery factor with each kid that is beyond your control.
Good luck with Kid #2, I hope all works out well.
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